It was probably because of the dry electric heat, but he couldn’t help think of a deeper meaning in it. His skin had been progressively getting drier and itchier, and hair and beard shedding more dandruff daily. It had been months now since he had been able to get in the ocean, and it showed. Both mentally and physically he was drying up.

          How had he ended up so far removed from the ocean, from his passion? He had sought out challenging adventure, but was dealt one he was not expecting. The last time he had gotten in the ocean was on a desperate attempt to rinse off and paddle around in Sitka, Alaska, on his trip up to Anchorage the previous summer. It was during a stop on his journey, in a fruitless effort to find unseasonable surf in an unlikely destination. The only memories from those moments he had, were dark ones. A week’s worth of memories filled with suffering from nicotine withdrawal and soaked in the dampness of 5 never-ending days of perpetual Southeast Alaskan rain.

          That was several months ago. The midnight sun and dense brush had been overrun with the quiet darkness of winter. And he was in the thick of it. The nicotine withdrawal had been replaced with the hourly craving of a half-a-pack-a-day smoker, and the soaking now came in the form of cheap beer and whiskey instead of clean rain. It was a struggle to optimistically view the situation. From his immediate perspective, he had lost a fortune. A strong community that once supported him was now over 2,000 miles away, and pursuits he found motivation and meaning in were unavailable.

          There was a silver lining in the darkness of winter. By diverging so far from the things he found meaning in, and putting significant distance between him and his passions, he gained a new standpoint. He was able to recognize the significance of the community he once had, and of the impact the ocean had on his well-being. It was only by living without, that he realized the value of living with.

          In recognizing this, he found a light at the end of the tunnel. Motivation was sparked within. Never again would he wander so far off track. But first he had to grind it out. Living in the future kept him from suffering in the present. The ideas of future trips, and self-appointed goals occupied his mind when time seemed to linger.

          He realized the commitment he had made, to stay through the winter. Had he known the implications and psychological cost of that commitment he might not have made the decision. But it was one he would follow through on. Now an inner dilemma he needed to be addressed. There was an internal crossroads he faced as winter was in full swing. He could continue coping with the situation and focusing on what was not there, or turn it all around. The ocean may be frozen, the people he depended on distant, and his passions highly inaccessible; but there was much to focus on and the time to address it.

          Instead of spending time numbing himself with alcohol and staying up all night, he decided to take the time to address these damaging habits. Attempts were made. Nights would routinely be spent solemnly working, and days spent strategically planning what would come next. The never-ending list of reading seemed appealing now.           

As constructive as moments during this period were, there was still a void, and a lingering suffering remaining from what he once had.

          Conflicted between suffering from the past, and thinking about the future, he avoided the present. The longer this went on, the more apparent it became. Eventually, it became evident that the illogical lack of mental clarity had always been there. There had oftentimes been a form of suffering from the past, avoidance of the present, and living in the unattainable future.

          He began to understand that the suffering would always be there. The goal was not to eradicate it, but to grow comfortable with it. That was when he realized the deeper significance of the ocean. It had provided him with a sense of respite from the suffering, however large or small it may have been at the time. It did so while also drawing him wholly into the present. There was no time to linger on the struggles left on shore. When immersed in the ocean, it required complete attention, and would not hesitate to let him know when his mind deviated from the moment.

          As winter began to thaw, the days grew longer. The light at the end of the tunnel began to grow. The opportunity to head south again, and feed his oceanic needs was within reach. With a deeper appreciation for the role of the ocean in his life, he was prepared not to make the same mistakes. Never again would he allow himself to suffer through a cold dark winter only the found in the North. A fire burned within to establish himself by the sea, and construct a livelihood that his mind would flourish in.